[Actual editor's note: This started out way funnier as an argument/discussion than as an actual post, but I put too much time in this to just let it go to waste. So be warned, it has its moments, but not enough of them.]
Welcome to the Presidential
College Football Draft. The rules are
very simple: each president will select one college football program with which
to be associated. All FBS football
programs and the Ivy League schools are eligible. No school may be repeated and we will go in
Presidential order for our draft order.
With all of that said, the presidents are assembled, so let's get
started.
With the first pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, George
Washington selects
the Washington Huskies:
"They say the name on the
front of the jersey is more important the name on the back, and while that's
true, when the name on the front of the jersey is BECAUSE of the name on the
back of the jersey, all bets are off."
With the second pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, John
Adams selects
the Harvard Crimson:
"Sorry Johnny, but age has
its privileges. Fair Harvard holds
sway."
With the third pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Thomas
Jefferson selects
the Virginia Cavaliers:
"What's that? Mr. Jefferson's University? Why I
am a Mr. Jefferson. Thank you very
much. Wahoo!"
With the fourth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, James
Madison selects
the Princeton Tigers:
"And the Tigers come at
night, with their voices soft as thunder.
And they tear your hope apart.
And they tear your dreams to shreds." Yes, I am singing a song from a musical
written centuries after my death about events that happened years after my
death. Princeton also didn't have a
football team in my lifetime. Deal with
it.
With the fifth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, James
Monroe selects
the Virginia Tech Hokies:
"You know, I was on the
Board of Visitors for UVa. I'm just
saying. I mean, I guess I could have
picked Marshall, but no, forgot you John Marshall. Fine…I'm a Hokie. Era of Good Feelings, indeed."
With the sixth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, John
Quincy Adams selects
the Massachusetts Minutemen:
"Whatever, dad. Whatever."
With the seventh pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Andrew
Jackson selects
the Tennessee Volunteers:
"So, wait, you're telling me
that I can have my home state's school, nicknamed for my men who fought
alongside me at New Orleans, and we can play a team called the Seminoles? In."
With the eighth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Martin
Van Buren selects
the Syracuse Orange:
"New York is still one
America's population centers, no? We
still have fine college and universities
in this state that enjoy the game of football? But this, THIS, is New York's team. Fine.
What the hell is that that large orange mass? Never mind, some things are better left not
being known."
With the ninth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, William
Henry Harrison selects
the Purdue Boilermakers:
[editor's note: After noting he selected the
Boilermakers for their proximity to Tippecanoe, one of the sites of his
greatest triumphs, Mr. Harrison's remarks went on for approximately four hours,
a solid 90 minutes of which was extolling the virtues of a school courageous
enough to make an inanimate form of transportation as its mascot. He then walked off the stage, collapsed, and
was never heard from again. So Purdue
was a perfect fit.]
With the tenth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, John
Tyler selects
the Texas Longhorns:
"Well, since none of you
seem to want to annex the Longhorns, I will select them. That's a little annexation humor. Very little.
I should go now. Someone named
Mack Brown is offering me as a safety."
With the eleventh pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, James
K. Polk selects
the Boise State Broncos:
"I know many of you are
expecting that given my fervor over the Oregon Country, I would naturally
select the brave Knights of Eugene. But,
I am scared to death of Ducks.
Therefore, I, instead, cast my lot with another team from the great
Northwest, one also frequently referred to as a "dark horse", one
with a horse as its mascot. Boise State
it is."
With the twelfth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Zachary
Taylor selects
the Stanford Cardinal:
"I have been told that I
have many fine choices available to me.
I have the Louisiana State Tigers from my adopted home state of
Louisiana, coached by a man also considered by many to be a little
off-kilter. I could select the "War
Hawks" of Louisiana-Monroe. But no,
in honor of my victory at the Battle of Palo Alto, I will select another Palo
Alto victor, the Stanford Cardinal. Now
where's my bowl of cherries?"
With the thirteenth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Millard
Fillmore selects
the Buffalo Bulls:
"Hey, did you guys know that
I founded the University of Buffalo.
Wait, University AT Buffalo, AT Buffalo.
I always screwed that up. I can't
believe they still haven't fixed that.
Guys? Guys? Wait, come back!!!"
With the fourteenth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Franklin
Pierce selects
the Dartmouth Big Green:
"As the Young Hickory of the
Granite Hills, I must represent the fine people of my home state. Plus, given my love of a good drink after
dinner, I give high marks to the school's unofficial mascot."
With the fifteenth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, James
Buchanan selects
the Penn State Nittany Lions:
"We Are! Why are you booing me? Come on, We Are! That's it, I'm outta here!"
With the sixteenth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Abraham
Lincoln selects
the Illinois Fighting Illini:
"While I was flattered by
the good people of Nebraska's point that their stadium resides in a town called
"Lincoln", I must stick by the good people of my home state. And seriously, it's not like any of you would
pick Kentucky or Indiana football if you had legitimate other options. Now, I've been told that my school plays for
a 'Land of Lincoln' Trophy. Can I see
it? Oh, it's in Evanston. Maybe I should have given this more
thought."
With the seventeenth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Andrew
Johnson selects
the North Carolina State Wolfpack:
"Got to stick with my
Raleigh dogs! [resigned expression]
Look, it was this or Vanderbilt and Vanderbilt made it clear they didn't want
me."
With the eighteenth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Ulysses
S. Grant selects
the United States Military Academy Black
Knights:
"Feels good! Feels good!
Beat Navy!"
With the nineteenth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Rutherford
B. Hayes selects
the Ohio Bobcats:
"I wanted to select a school
that has represented the great state of Ohio with pride for many years. Thus my selection of the University of Ohio,
a school nearly as old as the state itself, a source of joy for my people for
many years. Why are all of you chuckling
so loudly? Did I screw this up? Harding, what did you do?"
With the twentieth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, James
A. Garfield selects
the Kent State University Golden
Flashes:
[editor's note: the joke is there, make it
yourself.]
With the twenty-first pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Chester
A. Arthur selects
the Rutgers Scarlet Knights:
Vermont's lacking in FBS
teams. Canadian teams don't count. New York City doesn't have a team. A good
team. So we'll go with Rutgers, because, yes, New York City market. Yeah.
With the twenty-second pick in
the Presidential College Football Draft, Grover
Cleveland selects
the Cornell Big Red:
"It was the last option we
had in upstate New York."
With the twenty-third pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Benjamin
Harrison selects
the Miami University RedHawks:
"What? I went here. Cradle of Presidents too."
With the twenty-fourth pick in
the Presidential College Football Draft, Grover
Cleveland selects
the Cornell Big Red:
"I'm getting a feeling of
déjà vu. It'll pass."
With the twenty-fifth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, William
McKinley selects
the Akron Zips:
"Hanna told me to pick
them. Sort of a front porch team for
me. Plus, Terry Bowden and I went to
school together."
With the twenty-sixth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Theodore
Roosevelt selects
the United States Naval Academy
Midshipmen:
"Great White Fleet, Naval History of the War of 1812. Yep, the Middies are my team. Plus, seriously, I love the triple
option."
With the twenty-seventh pick in
the Presidential College Football Draft, William
Howard Taft selects the Yale
Bulldogs:
[Editor's note: Taft proceeded to sing
"Boola Boola" for approximately 20 minutes. He also claimed the only words in the song were
"Boola Boola."]
With the twenty-eighth pick in
the Presidential College Football Draft, Woodrow
Wilson selects the South Carolina
Gamecocks:
"The League of Nations will
likely need to take a long look at whether weaponizing Jadeveon Clowney
constitutes a grave risk to world peace.
But for now, he's with me, and I'm off with HBC to play 18."
With the twenty-ninth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Warren
G. Harding selects the Ohio State
Buckeyes:
"The Buckeyes of Ohio State represent
everything my administration was, free of corruption, cronyism, and generally
considered to be a pillar of strength in his history of this great land."
With the thirtieth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Calvin
Coolidge selects the California
Golden Bears:
"What? My name's right there on the helmet. See."
With the thirty-first pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Herbert
Hoover selects the Iowa Hawkeyes:
"Three reasons: 1). I grew
up minutes from Iowa City in West Branch.
2). America needs farmers. 3).
Amazingly, I'm still more popular than Ferentz."
With the thirty-second pick in
the Presidential College Football Draft, Franklin
D. Roosevelt selects the Georgia
Bulldogs:
"During my time in Warm
Springs, I got to know many of the good people of Georgia and they do so love
their Dawgs. I select them with the
knowledge that Mark Richt has lost control of well, everything."
With the thirty-third pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Harry
S Truman selects the Missouri
Tigers:
"The mascot is named for
me. How was this not going to
happen?"
With the thirty-fourth pick in
the Presidential College Football Draft, Dwight
D. Eisenhower selects the Columbia
Lions:
"Since I can't select my
beloved Black Knights of the Hudson thanks to ol' Sam Grant, this will have to
do. They were good. Well, they were not terrible, when I was
their President."
With the thirty-fifth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, John
F. Kennedy selects the Rice Owls:
"Why does Rice play Texas? Seriously, let's call John Tyler and schedule
a game."
With the thirty-sixth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Lyndon
B. Johnson selects the Texas State
Bobcats:
"Back home again in the Hill
Country."
With the thirty-seventh pick in
the Presidential College Football Draft, Richard
Nixon selects the Southern
California Trojans:
[Editor's note: The entire room bursts into a
knowing laughter and Nixon proceeds to do a furrowed brow, shrugged shoulders
look. He mutters something about
"You won't have the Trojans to kick around anymore." Somewhere, Lane Kiffin smiles.]
With the thirty-eighth pick in
the Presidential College Football Draft, Gerald
Ford selects the Michigan Wolverines:
"Why does this jersey say
Morgan on the back?"
With the thirty-ninth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Jimmy
Carter selects the Georgia Tech
Yellow Jackets:
"Of all of the schools I
attended, this was the most difficult academically. And that was before I had to figure out Paul
Johnson's triple option attack."
With the fortieth pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Ronald
Reagan selects the Notre Dame
Fighting Irish:
"Some time, Rock, when the
team is up against it, when things are wrong and the breaks are beating the
boys, ask them to go in there with all they've got and win just one for the
Gipper."
With the forty-first pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, George
H.W. Bush selects the Texas A&M
Aggies:
"You know, even with this,
they still won't let me keep the dog out of my library."
With the forty-second pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, Bill
Clinton selects the Arkansas
Razorbacks:
"Woo. Pig. Sooie!"
With the forty-third pick in the
Presidential College Football Draft, George
W. Bush selects the Southern
Methodist University Mustangs:
"Some folks look at me and
see a certain swagger, which in back in the 1980s at SMU was called 'walking.'"
With the forty-fourth and final pick
in the Presidential College Football Draft, Barack Obama selects the Hawaii
Warriors:
"It was this or Kansas. I'll take Norm Chow 100 times over Charlie
Weis."
This concludes our draft. Thank you for attending.
